Last year, my mom finally told me the story of my conception and birth and what happened after that. Some of it I had guessed, some of it was news, all of it was sad. She ended the story by prying a promise out of me to never tell anyone.
Certainly she wouldn’t want me to be writing about it on the internet. And really, it’s her story, not mine. But what IS mine is a hundred or two pounds added to the emotional baggage I already carry. No wonder I have a bad back.
A couple of weeks ago I got the brainstorm to write about it all in a private diary as a healing project. Just to see if I could dump it on paper and therefore relieve myself of the burden. In preparation, I bought Linda Joy Myers’ excellent The Power of Memoir because everybody knows if you’re going to write something healing and secret, you need a book that gives specific directions on how to do that.
So one of these days soon I’m gonna write that story. And post parts of it here. The parts that belong to me, not my mother.
Sounds like one heck of a project, Cindy. I look forward to reading your thoughts.
It’s such an interesting question – who do stories belong to? And there are so many ways such a question can play itself out. I mean, who ‘owns’ the story of a crime – the victim or the perpetrator? Who owns the story of any kind of relationship that distegrates? Indigenous folk tales are more than outside of the realm of copyright, but is that okay for someone – especially someone outside of that particular culture – to rework the tales? I think particularly of the whole saga revolving around Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses.
But I think too of what Julia Cameron says about telling secrets. I think about a quote from Voltaire:
“To the living we owe respect, but to the dead we owe only the truth.”
What I think what be most helpful for you (I know it was helpful for me) would be to listen to this talk from Anne Lamott. (You can watch the video from the site, or download the video or the audio.) She talks about a lot of different things, some related to writing, ome related to faith, but the most interesting are about telling family secrets and how that impacted her own relationships.
I think it’s definitely worth the exercise, whether you share it or keep it up locked in a safe or burn it open writing… Best of luck.
[I probably shouldn't comment on things before I've consumed some coffee. There's a few gaffs above but hopefully you can read beween them.]
This was important for me to read, Cindy. I try to make a distinction about what stories are mine, which is hard for me to do with family. My solution has been to write very little about any of my family, save my husband and that’s all about married life and things he already knows I think anyway. I just followed John’s link to Anne Lamott ~ I love her work but had not heard an extended interview with her. Her way of thinking has me re-thinking what I’ve been willing to put on paper, even just for myself. There is a story to be written and now maybe I can find a way to write it.
Sharon, I’m so glad you’re going to write your story. John’s link clarified things for me, too. Thanks again, John.
Hi Cindy–I’m glad you are writing about the subject of truth and healing. It is helpful to download that burden you are carrying from your mother’s story–at least to get it on the page where you are not carrying it all by yourself. The writing, the story, and the process begins to carry it for you and supports you to see beyond it.
Thanks for mentioning my book!
Blessings, and keep writing your truths, even if you need to keep them to yourself or in your writing group for a while.
Linda Joy
Linda Joy, Your book has made such a difference in my life; I turned a corner after reading the section on WHY we want to write about certain memories, and I’m so glad to be able to thank you here for helping me heal through writing. I keep going back to certain sections, doing a bit more writing when I need to, and feel as if I have made so much emotional progress. It would not have happened without your book. So thank you again!